Let it be known, 2015 just wasn’t my year.  I can name of some really happy memories from the year, but they are blurred from a lingering sadness of all the shitty things that happened this year.  This was my first year not posting something positive on NYE on Facebook.  This is kinda a big deal for me.  Here is what my post said

Savoring a bottle of wine with the one I love.  Although we have some good memories from 2015 (like James and Nick getting married and my parents moving to Portland), I am just not sorry to see 2015 go.  Onward and upward from here.  Hopeful for a much better year starting tomorrow.

This was a more positive version of the post I was originally going to post.  I am getting more and more comfortable with being honest on social media.  It is almost therapeutic to know I am being honest, transparent and vulnerable.

2015 started with a car accident.  I was injured in the accident (crazy bruising, neck injury and lis franc foot injury that I still struggle with today).  This accident wasn’t my fault, but to this day I still question whether or not I could have reacted faster and prevented the impact.  A car made an illegal turn off of a highway, merging with the highway I was on, and came out right in front of me.  I slammed on my brakes, but it wasn’t enough,  We T-boned this Volvo hatchback and sent it spinning.  I can still remember Patrick in the passenger seat saying “woah, woah, woah” before the collision.  I don’t remember when I hit the brakes, but I just still think I should have seen the car earlier and slammed on the brakes earlier and missed the car….BUT, that isn’t what actually happened and I will never know the answer.

I am so fortunate that Patrick and our doggie Zeke weren’t injured at all.  I don’t think I could ever get over it if anything happened to either of them!

So, the accident itself sucked, but it was worse that because of the accident, we had to cancel our first IUI.  I remember feeling so good about the upcoming IUI just the day before.  It was going to be on 1/23 and our accident was on 1/22.  I felt so defeated and I just never regained this sense of excitement for an IUI since this date.  Although I tried, I just couldn’t get it back.  I wonder if that loss of positivity was the reason for our heartache the rest of the year??

The theme of my year seems to be fertility challenges and loss.  I want to shut the door tightly on 2015 and open the door to a happier, healthier 2016.  I am cutting out gluten and dairy for my PCOS and IVF cycle starting on Sunday, Jan 3rd for good.  I am taking the first and second to ease into it because I happen to love bread and cheese 🙂  It is a tough sacrifice, but one I am willing to make for baby David!