This week hasn’t been easy for us.  Monday was Day 5 and I was nervous and excited for ORM to call us.  Of course when I ran to the restroom, they called me and left a message.  The message said, “Hi Diane-  some of your embryos are still growing so we are going to wait to freeze any until tomorrow.  We will call you tomorrow.”

Well, my heart sank a bit and I decided to call them back since I honestly didn’t know what that meant.

During my conversation with the embryologist I found out that we had one embryo that had made it to blastocyst stage, but wasn’t big enough to be biopsied.  We had a couple other embryos still growing, but she told me not to get my hopes up.  My heart started to break, but I was at work and I knew I needed to stay strong and get through my day.

What I needed to do next was going to be even harder.  I had to tell Patrick.  I had to let him know I had let us down again (my feelings, not his).  That in the morning when he told me he was hoping for a minimum of 2 and hopefully 8 blasts, that we didn’t even meet his minimum.  I couldn’t tell him face to face and see his face when he heard the news.  I e-mailed him.  And held my breath.  He responded pretty immediately, confused but hopeful.  I chose not to tell him that I was told not to get my hopes up.

That night I cried… A lot.  Patrick handled it a little differently, he screamed into a pillow.  The pillow didn’t really mute the sound and we were both worried what the neighbors might think and that made us both laugh.

That night (last night) I had this very vivid dream that we had 5 blastocysts.  It felt so real.  For a slight moment when I first woke up I felt very happy.  Then I remembered our reality, felt sad again and curled up with Patrick.  I told him I wasn’t ready to face the day.  I didn’t want to hear the news and I didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news again.  He told me he understood and that I could do it.  Then ever so gently reminded me we needed to get a parking spot at the MAX stop.  So I did it, I got out of bed and faced my day.

My phone was glued to me all day this time.  I was on pins and needles!  I finally got the call in the afternoon.  As I walked outside to talk freely, our embryologist told me we had just the one blastocyst and that no other ones grew overnight.  Throughout the day I kept worrying I would hear that none survived, so I found myself happy to hear we had the one.  I talked with her for a while and she gave me some good information including that our embaby was high quality and rated as a 6BA embryo.

I now faced telling Patrick and this time I was going to do it in person.  He and I went for a walk in the park adjacent to our building.  He looked so disappointed I hated it.

We’ve decided we remain hopeful that our embryo will be successful.  The results of the genetic testing will be provided in two weeks.  Until then we wait.  There is the chance that the embryo is chromosomally abnormal and we will not be able to use it, but there’s also the chance it is normal.  April 5th can’t come soon enough!